Stuck halfway betwixt the life change cycle

April 14, 2004 at 11:20 pm (Uncategorized)

One month from today it will all be over.

Seven years of hard work, stress, occasional near breakdowns, great joy, recognition, and lack thereof. A marriage, a divorce, great pain and heartache, wonderful friendships, everything and everyone that one life could possibly hold without exploding…

All gone.

Well, not gone perhaps, but certainly placed in that drawer we reserve for memory and those fading images that don’t disappear, but get fuzzy and blurry until we only remember the basic shapes.

I graduate college in a month. All the major events of my life, both personal and professional, have occurred within this phase of my life. I lived during this time, and died a little too, and was reborn in fire at least once, but now I move into a new phase…

It scares me.

I’m excited and frightened by this. I went straight from living with my parents to living with the girl I would end up marrying, and when she left, I rebuilt myself from the ground up through a long and emotionally exhausting process, but through all of this, I was still in Minot.

I was still… here. I was still in my “home town.”

Now I’m going to leave a 7 year life phase and a 25 year life behind me and start with a blank slate. Does that mean I can be whomever I want to be, and get a fresh take on who I am, or does it simply mean that I’ll be the me from here in a displaced locale? Will the old demons follow me, or will I get to create new ones for myself? And how much of an oxymoronic statement is that?

The thing that worries me the most is the idea of leaving all the people I’ve known, some seeming like forever, behind. I have come to the realization that there are some people here who I will never see again. This is inevitible… I will move away, and when I visit, I will not see everyone, and some people will move away, and people that have impacted my life will be lost to me forever.

My friends, those I am close to, I have little doubt that I’ll stay in touch with some of them for a long while, but I fear losing those people who I’m not that close with but I like… my “good acquaintances,” if you will… people who I wish I could spend more time around, or who I wish I knew better… now the chance will be lost…

Most of all… this will close the most important and soul-searing novel of my life:

I may never see my ex-wife again. I know for some people that would be a blessing, but for me… well, it just feels so final. I have healed to the point where I have closure after all the incident, but I still feel like since she was such a huge part of my life, I can never truly get her completely out of my blood. Moving away and having no access to her, to her family, to her friends, even if I want it… well, that puts the final nail in the coffin.

She will grow old and die, her children will grow old, and die… I will grow old and die… the biggest most important part of my life, and the most powerful thing to ever rip through my universe, will now be only a history lesson, a distant memory… dust on the wedding picture. I will not see her again… our lives will be completely separated, not only by decision, not only temporally, but by proximity as well, and “THE END” appears on the screen…

It’s like seeing a wonderful movie, and knowing that after filming, there can be no sequel because the stars died, and no remake because the writer burned the manuscript. I am healed, I am strong, I am sick, I am weak…

I am scared.

I am not ready.

I will be strong.

I will be ready.

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3 Comments

  1. jesse_dylan said,

    Oh Mike…
    Now I suppose I have to worry.
    I’m really glad we got to be close before you left, you know that? I really needed you, and here you were. As a result of you hopping onto my livejournal to comfort me, I’ll remember you now for the rest of my life, and I think we’ll keep in touch, too. It won’t be the same, of course…
    It’s got to be scary. I can’t even imagine moving. You did a great job summarizing the horror of it all. heh.
    You ARE strong, though. I admire that. You’ve been through a hell of a lot in 25 years.
    Scary. Everything always has to be so scary. Is it just how I’m looking at it? Is it just because I’m scared and in pain right now?
    Cause it all seems so scary to me. Blah.

  2. daughterofjesus said,

    You are already ready
    Whether you consciously know it or not, you’re ready for this change. I am so incredibly happy and grateful that we met and came to be friends. I needed you as I’m sure I’ll need you in the future (and if you ever need me, I’ll always be here). Just by writing this entry, you show that you are taking steps to prepare yourself for such a big change…and boy, is it a big change! You HAVE been through a lot in 25 years. You’ve won, lost, stayed neutral, conquered, were beaten then resurrected. You could take on anything at this point and I think you should think of this “change” as just another chapter in your life. Life continues and your life will continue as long as you are living. Sure, memories fade but the reason they do is because you take on new, more spectacular memories. =) Good luck out in the big blue semi-grey world…and keep in touch!!

  3. Anonymous said,

    Suck it up and deal, LOSER! (Kidding, Mikey dear.)
    Here’s my advice.
    First of all, don’t go out and try to enjoy your last few months of Minotony. Sit at home and wallow in your misery.
    And don’t worry, big guy. Of course there are people you’re not going to see ever again. Just think back to that time when you WISHED you would never see them again. That should help!
    And also, drink. A great deal. And when you move, don’t think about the fun you’ll have with new friends you’ll make. Just sit at your new apartment in a new city and DRINK. Crying will help too.
    Oh, and don’t think people like me will keep in touch. i hate touch. Especially with you. And remember, even though you’ll only have been gone for a few months when school starts next year, we’ll still remember you.
    For a while.
    Then we’ll see something shiny and get distracted.
    Love you, babe!
    Jill

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