Meditation and Medication

July 27, 2006 at 3:46 pm (Personal)

I dreamed last night that I was driving on a road in the wilderness, and that dozens of animals were standing, stone-still at the sides of the road, some of them frozen mid-stride while crossing it. I drove to avoid them, concerned that I would kill one of them if I wasn’t careful, but for some reason I didn’t slow down… couldn’t slow down… and the dance of life and death went on until I woke up.

My dreams are filled with more life — and death — than my waking life. The surrealists would apply a fair amount of meaning to that.

With such dreams clattering around in my head, what was left to do but drive out to Giant City state park and absorb the primal rhythm first-hand. I drove out with a backpack full of paper and a small lunch. I parked near the trail up to the bluffs, feeling the call and heeding it, for once.

I climbed my way up to the bluffs and sat on a rock overlooking the woods. It was beautiful… green all around me, firmly planted on a million year old piece of granite, I closed my eyes and let myself drift.

I thought about all the recent changes in my life… my depression and the cycle that feeds it, that makes me someone I don’t want to be… the steps I am taking — feverishly — to fix that part of me and become a happy, healthy human being.

I thought about the things I’ve let go of recently… finally. Allowing baggage to be lifted away. I saw my ex when I was back home, and when I told her to take care of herself, I truly meant it. I saw her for the first time not as evil incarnate, but as a human being who made a bad decision. The difference between those two things is staggering.

I mulled over the trip some more… when I was afforded the opportunity to learn that I’ve had positive effects on people… that people look up to me in some way. I had honestly never realized this before… that I could affect anyone. From inside, it appears I’m nothing but a mess… from the outside, I must look different. I wish I could see what you see…

I pondered my goals, my hopes, my dreams, the journey I started ten years ago and am coming to the peak of… life… but most of all…

I thought about how I wanted someone to share this moment with.

Which made me ask myself, “What do I really want?”

I asked the trees, the butterflies flitting around my head like tiny ethereal bats around a belfry, the ancient rocks that have hosted such thoughts for two thousand years… this place was built up by those who lived here in 400-900 AD. How many times in the history of this place has someone sat in this spot and thought about where they were headed? Lamented a lost love? Considered jumping down to the forest floor 100 feet below?

And I figured out what I want.

I want life. All of it. I want experiences like this one. And I want to share them with people that understand that fun is more than chemically altered nights of bad music and smoky, expensive pool halls. I want someone to understand me.

But… can anyone really understand us?

Or should we all find our own rock and meditate on it until we crumble away and rejoin the Earth?

A cleansing. A letting go. More soul healing. A road before me.

And I’m walking.

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