Driving with Jesus

May 17, 2004 at 10:07 am (Uncategorized)

I wrote this awhile back for another website and got lots of interesting comments, most of them from people who enjoyed the musings and a few from people desperately worried about my soul. I reprint it here (with bonus material) for the amusement of my friends:

One day, as I was on my way to pick up some chicken, I happened to notice one of those
“Jesus Saves” bumper stickers on the back of someone’s car. That got me thinking…

What does Jesus save?

The traditional answer would be “souls” of course, but if one is not a Christian, and an
abstract thinker, there could be all sorts of answers. The sticker doesn’t go into detail,
after all.

Does he save nickels? Because if he saves nickels, he’d probably be quite wealthy by
now, having just passed his two-thousand and first birthday. If Jesus saved one nickel
every day since the day he was born (obviously his parents would have to have started his
account, being that he was a baby at the time) he would now have over $36,500, and
that’s not chump change.

Does he save little bits of string? I’ve heard that old ladies do this sometimes. Nobody
knows why.

Maybe Jesus saves a dollar when he uses two for one coupons at Lennys. I dunno.

Perhaps it didn’t say Jesus “saves.” I could have looked at it wrong. Perhaps it was Jesus
“shaves.” No, that can’t be it, since it says in Leviticus somewhere that you aren’t
supposed to shave the edges of your beard or the back of your hair. (Theology studies,
don’t fail me now.) Jesus obviously didn’t shave. (At least according to those, I’m sure
quite accurate, paintings we have in our churches.)

Maybe it was “Jesus waves.” That would be neat. Next time you see someone in a car
with a religious bumper sticker, open the window and wave to them, yelling “This is what
Jesus would do!” See if they wave back. If they wave back with only one finger, yell
“Thank you Jesus, may I have another?” and see what they do.

I guess it could have been “Jesus behaves.” Maybe he doesn’t shave after all. I wish I had
gotten a better look at that damn sticker. Oh well. Next time you see that sucker, make
sure you check it out for me, and keep those eyes on the road. I hear Jesus drives kinda



  1. jesse_dylan said,

    Jesus Saves
    I know; sometimes it’s true.
    Jesus saves white trash, baby like you.
    Oh Mike, you’re so goofy. I did enjoy that, though.
    I think Jesus saves… hm… bran flakes. I don’t really know what Jesus would save, now that I actually stop to question what else it could mean if one did not immediately think “souls”.
    Time? No, Jesus doesn’t save time.

  2. daughterofjesus said,

    Jesus was way kewl. he was kewler than, like, penguins. Yes, indeed. Jesus was way kewl. =)

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